Just Wanted You to Know

Dear Girls,

Lately I have to laugh between you Hope and Maddie, your beautiful companionship and stark differences. The examples are countless but none so evident as in your views on growing up. Hopey, you are definitive. Not going to be a Mommy myself. I'm stopping my birthdays at ten, so I never have to leave you Mommy and Daddy! You want to stay little and in our family of five for as long as possible. You are wise beyond your years in realizing that this time is precious and goes by all too quickly.
And Maddie... you gravitate toward babies. It's in the way you cradle even the smallest of toys and how you gingerly hold the hands of little ones you meet when we're out. It's in the way you gently sing Alysse our special nighttime lullaby when she is crying. Just about a week ago as I lay next to you in your toddler bed you wanted to play a new game, pretending that each of your body parts is a baby and each of my corresponding ones are the Mommy. Baby foot (your wiggling foot) say hello to Mama foot (my wiggling foot). I cannot wait to be a Mommy someday, you say. I already know you'll be amazing when it comes your turn.
No doubt you both and Alysse will grow and change over the years to fulfill the special purposes each of you is here to accomplish. I don't know for whom that will include motherhood, but I can tell you that the three of you are the greatest gifts I could ever receive. I know that you are a huge part of my great purpose to accomplish, and I so desperately want to do it well.
So very, very well.

This part of the post isn't exactly fun to write because admitting to one's faults is hardly ever fun to face. Then again, anything worth having usually comes with its share of "not fun." Much of this blog remembers the way I enjoy raising you all to the absolute utmost, how I strive to make your childhood a special and safe start in this world. I actually think that most of the time, the heavens open to give me the strength I need to work through a challenging circumstance or moment when my hands are completely full. He gives me lots of laughter and perspective, and for that I'm quite grateful.

But I want you to know I'm also totally aware that I sometimes make mistakes.

Sometimes my patience waivers, sometimes I raise my voice. Sometimes I get frustrated when I should laugh and sometimes I am not as consistent as I should be. And sometimes I really should give myself a good, old fashioned time out.

Yet, let me tell you, it's good to know and understand your imperfections and your shortcomings. There is great growth to be had when you can own up to your mistakes, pray and seek wisdom, forgive yourself, and learn from that which you are not proud of. So though I have my sometimes times, I want you to remember that your Mama was quick to forgive and to ask for forgiveness. That, if a day was hard, I stayed awake at night talking to God about it and purposing in my heart how tomorrow would be different. That Daddy and I talked long, hard, and often about each of you and about how to be the parents God wanted us to be.

That we love you all without condition, without strings, and fiercely. Why just the other day as we had a blast at a Children's Museum together, Maddie accidentally knocked over Alysse who was on the ground in a hiking backpack. I had gone to get some forks for our lunch and could tell from twenty feet away something was wrong in the way a very worried Daddy was holding you baby girl. I ran to him, quickly got the details, and snatched Alysse for myself. My heart was torn between her sad face, which turned out to be fine, and Maddie's heart which felt responsible for the accident. All at once I was fiercely and wholly in both your corners, breaking for both of you at the same time.

This is motherhood.

I am not perfect and neither can you be, but we know the One who is. Take it to Him, knowing that in our weakness He is strong, and grow from your mistakes. Take responsibility for your actions and live an honest life. You will be stronger and better for it, no matter the direction you are intended to travel.

Just wanted you to know.

With All My Heart,
Mommy